Heart, heart.

A lot of really happy thoughtlets floating around in my head right now.

Girl. Feminist. Bitch. Silverstein. Vincent.

Also, there's a new wool peacoat and fabulous Guess pumps in my closet,

because I'm great at Christmas shopping.

Feeling inspired, feeling wired.

Exactly where I need to be, learning what I need to learn.

Fuck the rest.

Northern Lights.

What happens in Lauren Granger's life when Ingrid releases a new single:

I feel what she is feeling.

My life has 2 rules:

1. Be happy.

2. The Keats Rule (ie: When this is not the case, understand that unhappiness only makes room for happiness. You can only ever be as happy as you've been unhappy. Everything increases your capacity to feel. Your happiness gives you more to lose, and your loss creates space for appreciation to breed happiness.)

It's incredible, my mind has been so topsy-turvy lately anyway, a byproduct of the constant disequilibration to which I submit myself. And now this song, it just makes me feel, something I've been actively trying to think, process & rationalize myself out of doing. Life changes so rapidly, and I am trying to embrace every change. Trying to focus on the positive, finding the silver lining. It's not even second nature to me, that IS my nature. And it is exactly how I want to be, it is my favorite thing about me. So it's always so strange when I find myself stuck in the mire of something of which I can't think myself out.

There are things I miss. Things I am actively unhappy about losing.

My Aunt. Love. The cat.

So I have to default to Rule 2. I have to understand that loss makes me better, stronger, more capable. But that doesn't solve the problem of EMOTIONS. And isn't that just the most frustrating feeling in the world? Knowing that you are exactly where you need to be, and still feeling the absence of what you had to lose to get there?

Anyway, listen to this . I transcribed the lyrics because that's what GA's do. There are a few refrains I didn't include, but the gist is there. And the gist is enough. I just... Ugh. I can't wait to see her. I guess that's my point?

Ingrid Michaelson-Ghost

Do you remember when the walls fell?

Do you remember the sound that the door made when you closed it on me?

Do you know that I went down to the ground,
landed on both my broken heart & knees.
I didn't even cry, because pieces of me had already died.

I'm a ghost haunting these halls,

climbing up walls that I never knew were there.

I'm lost, broken down the middle of my heart, heart.

You know you made me a ghost.

I'm an invisible disaster.
I keep trying to walk, but my feet can't find a solid ground.

It's like livin' in a bad dream,

I keep trying to scream but my tongue has finally lost its sound.

I've got to say goodbye, to the pieces of me that have already died.

I'm a ghost haunting these halls,

climbing up walls that I never knew were there.
I'm lost, broken down the middle of my heart, heart.
You know you made me a ghost.

You know you make me a ghost,
you make me a ghost.

You make me a ghost.

I don't cry. I don't try anymore.
I'm lost. I'm broken down the middle of...

broken down the middle of my heart, heart.

I'm a monarch, duh.

The fact that my entire life lies basically unplanned before me is simultaneously the most thrilling and terrifying truth.

Like... How are my friends DOING IT?

I don't know. I think I have been suffering under the misconception that my college years are the best years of my life and that they will come to a skidding halt and leave me alone in the dark and without friends or family to support me. And I am slowly coming to terms with the incredibly comforting idea that the only thing I will lose upon graduation is PROXIMITY. But geography is not destiny, I've known that my whole life. And yeah, I'll have more accounting to do for travel time when my friends are no longer within walking distance, but there is nothing keeping me from being in touch with and accessible to those I love.

Also, family support is a given. It's like the mafia: blood in, blood out.

I've been thinking a lot about DC & its surrounding suburbs, and I'm feeling a renewed sense of interest in settling there for a while. Last night, I was on my way to Annapolis when a series of wrong turns and detours landed me lost on Pennsylvania Avenue for... a significant period of time. It's true, the roads & traffic in NoVa have always been a barrier to me in seeing myself living happily there, but I couldn't help but notice how astonishingly beautiful the monuments looked at night.

Yeah... that was probably an unsafe time to take a picture... BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. My point is that I started thinking about how beauty isn't just college-specific. It's going to follow me my whole life long. I will find fulfilling work, and it will be beautiful. I will find a house that's all my own, and fill it with all things beautiful. I'm going to get a pet, name it something fantastic & love it beautifully. And I'll find a soulmate, someone who'll make my already beautiful life extraordinary. That's something I really look forward to, despite my inaction in its pursuit. I just feel like I want to be the best possible version of me, and I know I have so much left to learn. I believe its so easy to find compatibility and so much harder to find compatibility that also challenges and improves you. Other things on my life partner checklist: A sense of humor. Sexiness. Passion. Good taste in music. Fashion sense (I'm tryna double that wardrobe, you know?). Willingness to learn more about the things that interest me. Having new interests that I can learn more about, too. Fantastic kisser. Entertaining. Supportive. Likes my friends. Likes my family. Has cool friends. Has fun family. Understands both the need for midnight ice cream and morning yoga. Good dancer. Can hold their liquor. Likes dogs. Likes cats. Handles stress well. Good taste in home decor (we JUST talked about filling a house with beautiful things...). & last but definitely not least: I'm looking for someone that thinks that I am as funny as I do. That's when I'll know it's right.

Interested? Inquire within.

(Not a sexual innuendo)

(OKAY, maybe...)

Loving... WHAT!?

Somewhere during the thousand things I did at work yesterday, I heard a song on my pandora playlist with lyrics along the lines of "keep loving everything you've ever loved", and I should have stopped right then and there to gather the title/lyrics/artist/ANYTHING to help me identify this song... but obviously I didn't. And obviously I've spent the better part of my day fruitlessly scouring the internet for some trace of this song, but alas I feel as though it must have been IMAGINARY.

But that hasn't stopped me from pondering the subject: Where does love go?

How often have you looked back at your life and been honestly shocked by the things you once loved? I look back at the people I admired and obsessed over in middle school and I can't help but chuckle heartily. It's sort of a byproduct of the evolving human condition that we are going to look back at the things we once thought of as important and roll our eyes. How quickly our hearts change from some degree of love to some degree of anger/disdain/hurt/hate... And why? What is the purpose? I don't want to fall into the trap of convincing myself that something was a mistake because of a messy ending. In fact, I think this is something I do quite well given the time and distance I need to clear my head.

Loving the things you've always loved doesn't necessarily mean making room for them in every stage of your life. Actively contacting a former flame just to reassure them that YOU STILL LOVE THE PERSON THEY ONCE WERE/THE THINGS YOU LEARNED/YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS IT ONCE EXISTED is cause for concern. Sometimes it's just time to move forward & expired relationships are a casualty of that progress.

But hearts are infinite. There is an ever expanding area in which to file your meaningful experiences. And I am learning that I don't have to stop loving the things that changed me just because they no longer deserve my love. This next part is going to sound cheesy, but it has been said over & over again because it has never stopped being true:

Every experiences teaches you something,
you trade equal parts of love & pain,
laughter & tears,
confusion & elation,

& you get CHARACTER from it.


So rock on, characters. & Know I'll keep on lovin' you.

the happenings

Mm, it's a pretty grand day.

I'm getting used to the routine of this new life, and while it's exhausting, I also know that it won't last long. A little more than a year from now, I'll be graduating again... AND THEN WHAT.

Ahhhh--I suppose I should be spending this time planning for the future, looking into the nuts and bolts of making my dreams happen.... BUT ACTUALLY I THINK I'LL JUST DRINK A LOT OF WINE, & DANCE. Haha, seriously though. I just wanna play forever, so I'm making sure to do it right now.

Sara B released a cute new video today. So, obviously I bought it... and look, I'm not saying Sara copied me, I'm just saying that it's pretty interesting that her new video so quickly follows the purchase of my leather jacket:

But, you know... whatever. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say.

Last weekend: Mistress Visited
This weekend: Jason Mraz
Next month: New York

& somewhere in there, I'm gonna get a master's degree.... I hope.

"In three words,
I can sum up
everything I know
about life:
It goes on."
-Robert Frost

Oh, here we go bluebird.

Word came through in a letter,
one of us changing our minds.
You won't need to guess who
because I usually do
not send letters to me that are mine...

This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye.

This is so hard, the back in forth of feeling fine and then just missing you. Missing that. Missing something that really did mean the world to me for so long. You gave me back something I thought I'd never have again. And I know that everything you said was true, and I probably should have realized that a long time ago. But I guess I can't help being optimistic, always believing that things would change with time. It's just in my nature, and it always will be. I will love totally and completely, I will put everything into the next love, just as I did in this one. Maybe it will run its course. & Maybe I'll find myself somewhere down the road in some different apartment with another glass of wine, reflecting again. But I won't regret it, just as I don't regret this. You respected me enough not to let me do that anymore. I am not angry, I do not blame you. It's just a matter of a love I can't carry anymore. And the realization that I should never have tried to carry it alone.

That said: I'm hurting.
My heart is not quite mine again.
Right now it's a little lost:

in starry nights and camping trips,
in Dave, in Ingrid,
in DC hotel rooms and dance floors,
in the capital building, the white house
at a costume party, in a parasail,
& city hall (or just across the street where it won't fly...)
in shower songs, in little movies
in picnics and presents, kittens and peasants
on a rollercoaster, in a scary movie,
in one tree hill & sports I'll never learn
in that feeling that made my love burn.
in an apple orchard, in laughter,
in not working towards a happily ever after
but a happy here and now.



I'll just find that ever after a little later.
& guess I've just got some livin' to do first.

Unfinished--Like its Author

I am who I am.
My hair friz is a crime,
my gas gauge is on empty
for weeks at a time.

I listen to showtunes,
and watch HGTV.
My jokes are generally funniest
to those under three.

Admittedly, I am a little crazy.
It's normal and natural,
but it can make my judgment hazy.

I can cry myself into laughter
and laugh myself to tears.
These things will not change,
not in all of my years.

It's true: I'm not perfect.
But I must say on my behalf:
there are things I can offer
if you'll just make me laugh.

I am not good at sports,
just watch me run.
But you'll never find me
not appreciating a setting sun.

I'm helpful,
I'm hopeful,
I'm endlessly cheery.
My unfailing optimism
can make an average man weary.

I can't promise perfection,
(I trip a lot).
& I can't help thinking
I'm ridiculously hot.

But I am who I am,
it comes naturally.
So take the time to chase me,
cherish me.
Believe me, I'll do the same.

I'm worth it.
You're worth it.
Every last quirk.
If you can't see that,
this ain't gonna work.

It's the little things...

& everything returns.

As quickly as things fall apart, they come right back together in new, better (& stronger) ways.

This is my favorite time of year, the sweet piece of summer right before school starts. I love being back in the Valley, I love that all the people I haven't seen all summer are just a short walk/drive/bike/skip away.

I think maybe part of the reason I love this period SO MUCH is because it is so fleeting. In a flash, we'll be sitting back in the classroom, studying our nights away. But right now, right this moment, everything is just perfect.

My heart is very happy.

& that's at least partially because my kitten is so cute.

It has been a pretty awful day. My head hurts and I am tired. I'm confused. I don't get it. I miss something that's not yet gone, but somehow I can't hold on to it anymore. I am scared to be a grown-up. I am scared.

I wish things didn't have to change.

But I guess, if we never changed, we would never learn.

Happy Birthday to Me

This girl

has given me

the happiest birthday

and the prettiest ring

I have ever had.

Goodnight, Moon.

Oh, just tumblin' along..

Not a replacement, merely an addition: http://somethingbeany.tumblr.com/

Fiddle waddle

Write it down.
Write it all down.

That's what I do, it's what I've always done. And I'm so glad, because every time I stumble upon something I wrote, it brings me back. All of a sudden, life-exactly as it was-is within my grasp. Because, the truth of the matter is that if you can bring your self back into the mindset of your heart (heartset?), everything else falls back into place.

Allow me to slip into a Harry Potterism yet again: My journals are my own personal pensieve.

I think I write so much because my memory sucks. If it weren't for the journals that chronicle my life, it's possible that I would have forgotten my life. And yes, alright... the first journal may be covered in butterflies and glitter, but it doesn't make what's inside any less relevant.

But what do I do with all the stuff that's written to me? Notes? Birthday cards? Love letters? I am so blessed to have been surrounded by love. I just don't know what to do with the tangible papers and cards that fill my room. I like to read through all of them in context with the stuff I was writing at the same time. It's the best kind of retrospection.

That's my goal. A little life time machine. I'm basically Dr. Who.

Speaking of time machine: I'm reading Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, I'm working my way through the first season of Ally McBeal. That combined with the picture my girlfriend sent me last night of FROGGY FLEECE PAJAMA PANTS, I think we actually created a vortex to 1996.



...I should get a job.

Act: A Root Word

Act. Action. Activism. Act up. Enact. Acting.

I love to act in all senses of the word.

...Except when it comes to acting childish.

Look, ya'll... there's one thing that really steams my broccoli, and that's when a person puts perceived, personal pettiness above altruism, above a real cause.

Consciousness raising. Giving a voice to those who have not had one for themselves. That is what this event was supposed to be about. This one week is dedicated to making people think about LGBTQIQA issues that they might not ever come into contact with in other areas of JMU. In fact, this one week may be the only exposure that some students ever have to Madison Equality or LGBTQIQA issues.

So what gave you the right to feel as though your own personal grudges were more important than that?

I am disappointed in you. I am shocked because this has come out of nowhere... because I didn't believe that people in their 20s could still feel justified in acting like middle schoolers. I don't know, maybe that's insulting to middle schoolers...

I hate being disappointed in people, especially people with whom I am fighting for the same cause. Seriously. We're all in the queer community together, ultimately fighting for the same thing. Why be so babyish? This is some 6th grade bullshit. And it's damaging to our reputation, damaging to our cause, and absolutely counterproductive. And that goes for BOTH of you.

I think your grudge with me is make-believe and illogical, but I am also aware that this is outside my locus of control. If you want to dislike me for whatever reason, I cannot stop you. Furthermore, there are enough people in this world that find me pretty fucking likable, so I remain unaffected by your disdain. But when your petty little grudge clouds your judgment and gives you reason to deprive me of an opportunity to combine my two favorite things: Theatre and Activism, you have ruffled my feathers. As a senior who has been active in this organization for 4 years, and a THEATRE STUDENT at this University, I look at this picture and cannot paint it in any other way.

But, here's the kicker: Not only did you deprive me of an opportunity, you created censorship in an otherwise open and accepting organization. This event is supposed to showcase the voices of the LGBTQIQA community, not the voices of you and your little girlfriend. I find that disgusting. Literally...disgusting. Who do you think you are and where do you get off thinking it's okay to include and exclude at your leisure?

Our actions define us. And when someone is in a position of authority, our actions reflect on our organization as a whole. And this organization is the only representation many people will ever see of our queer community. I don't know about you, but I'd never bother to ally myself with a community of people that have the maturity of 6th graders.

I'm feeling inspired.

I'm inspired by music. dance. theatre. art. photography. fashion. history. literature. the human condition. friendship. love. color. activism. passion. feminism.

If you've been in my room, you know that my wall is plastered with pictures of women. Many people walk in to my room and say: "Wow, you really like girls, don't you?"




And okay... you got me. I do really like girls. However, the women on my wall aren't just ANY women. As you might be able to see in this fuzzy picture provided by my iPod touch, my wall features inspiring women, Lea Michele (Broadway Star and most recently famed actress on the hit TV show Glee), Zooey Deschanel, Amy Adams, Lauren Graham to name a few.

Whenever I partake in the somewhat cliched albeit extremely entertaining "Top 5 Celebrities You Could Fuck Without Consequence" game, my list is full to the brim of women many people wouldn't even recognize, but that's because it is their specific talents or passions that make them positively irresistible to me.

The List:
1. Lea Michele. Duh.
Her voice could convince me to do absolutely anything.


















2. Jeanine Mason: Winner So You Think You Can Dance Season 5.
Her 'If It Kills Me' turned me in to one of those people that cries watching dance on TV.














3. Kristin Chenoweth
If you don't know why, you don't know me at all.























4. Mariska Hargitay
Yes, she's one badass cop...but did you know that she also started the Joyful Heart Foundation?























5. Ingrid Michaelson
She made "nerd chic" sexy. Her voice is consuming. And, most attractive of all, she's one of the most clever people I've ever come across.





















Look through my ipod and you'll see a smorgasbord of showtunes that never fail to get me in the mood to do some cheesy stage choreography and smile, compounded with hundreds of songs by female artists like Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Kate Nash, and Lily Allen that inspire me to think pretty thoughts, something I love to do. And alright, of course there's a ton of Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson and admittedly some Hanson, N*Sync & Backstreet... but that's neither here nor there.

My point is that I make certain some kind of inspiration slaps me in the face as often as possible, I think most intelligent people do. There's a whole market for inspirational posters to put in classrooms, dentist office waiting rooms and community centers, all intended to force a little inspiration in to the daily lives of the general dentist-going population.

So it only makes sense that the people in our lives should be at least as inspiring as the posters on our walls. And I think that is one of the greatest accomplishments of my senior year and even my college career as a whole: I have officially surrounded myself with some of the most fascinating, interesting, talented, passionate and hilarious people I've ever met.

Isn't it interesting to compare your group of friends in your hometown to the ones you made in college? The friends I prided myself on being "TWINS" with in my hometown are nothing like the person I've become, and vice versa. It's true that there are a few who've stuck around. The rare few who have the mindset to accept and celebrate our differences as reasons to learn from each other, and continued to grow in our friendship just as we have continued to grow in ourselves.

And... Here comes the over-sharing that only makes sense in the blogosphere:

My first love was comfortable. Exciting because it was my first love, but we were a practical match from the start. My first love and I had common interests and similar beliefs. My first love crashed and burned, as most first loves do.

Granted... I like to think that most first loves don't end in the torturous way mine did, soaked in deceit, disrespect and a pathetically extended recovery time on my part...but that is, again, neither her nor there.

Which brings me to now, to my present.

Five months ago, I found myself falling again, opening up to someone new. A rather odd, unexpected pairing, I am aware. But it happened and I couldn't stop it, which is how I knew it was right.

And I've been more challenged, inspired and excited in the last 5 months than ever before. We're different people, very different people. But that's the basis of what makes us work. You're athletic, a sports buff. One time you threw me a football and it hit me square in the nose. There's not a Broadway Classic to which I don't know all the words (and probably the names of every OBC cast member) and you've never even walked down 42nd street (though I plan to change that...) Though we're both feminists (I don't know if I could date someone who wasn't...), we have different views on philosophy and theology. And that's okay. That's more than okay. It's TITILLATING.

[Yeah, I was really just looking for a reason to use the word "titillating".]

I'm learning from you all the time. You're challenging me every day. I'm learning to understand you, breaking out of old habits. And you're giving it all back to me in laughter, fun and, most of all, respect.



And yeah, I said that Dillon style & snapped my fingers.

Dancing in heaven

I am standing by the seashore

A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze

and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'

Parable of Immortality
Henry Van Dyke

She is gone. Her days are now filled "dancing in heaven, even as we are crying below", and I rejoice that she is no longer in pain. I know God had his hand in her death just as he had his hand in her life. Patrick said last night that "We all feel so blessed that she lived hours longer than they said she would, that Anna got home in time to see her is such a miracle. But, if you think about it... she lived seven years longer than she should have. That's the real miracle."

I can't believe how blessed I am to have been a part of her family. I marvel in their strength. I was so scared to come home and see my always-joking, forever-laughing family torn up in sadness. Walking in that door, I saw my always-joking, forever-laughing family grieving in complete strength. And they were still laughing.

We sat around her room, passed m&m's and laughed about the time Sam and Pat shot an arrow into someone's house. Oh, how angry Aunt Lori was... and at the time, my mom told her she'd laugh about it one day. I think she's sitting up in heaven, laughing about it today. We talked about how she was with her brother now, and how he's probably giving her a noogie in heaven, because even in the afterlife, that's still her big brother. We laughed as we cried, missing her terribly but knowing peace because she is in heaven with her God.

I'm sort of speechless. Just... no words. I know she needed to go, I know she was ready. Her body was only holding her back. But just because she was ready to go, doesn't mean that I was ready to let her. I miss her so much... I owe so much of myself to her. She taught me to ride a bike, teased me often and took care of me constantly. She and my mom instilled their midwestern sass in my heart. She made me laugh so often, it only makes sense that her absence makes me cry.



I hurt for my grandparents, who have now had to bury two of their children. Dave Matthews is right, you should never have to bury your own babies. And yet, they powered through. Grandma still made sure there were snacks available, Grandpa just sat with his peaceful presence, though I know he's torn to pieces inside. And Clarabell, my Aunt's golden retriever... I have never seen her that way before. She knows, I know she knows. She sat with my aunt for days on end, and when the nurse came to change her fluids, clara went nuts. She barked and snapped-which is so not her-left the house, and didn't come back for the rest of the day. Now that my Aunt is gone, Clara is just depressed. I went upstairs to see her, and she was just laying on the floor in Sam's room. She didn't stir when I walked in. Dogs are so intuitive, she knew this was coming, but she misses her mama just as much as the rest of us.

I'm so thankful for the people who have opened their hearts to us at this time. My roommates and friends at school have been more incredible than I ever could have asked for. They have listened when I needed it and laughed when I needed them too. They have been their for me far and above the call of duty. And Julie, I honestly don't know what I'd have done without her. The patience she's had to stay up with me and just listen to me talk about my aunt, my family as a whole...it means the world to me. I have been shown more love than I know what to do with, and I trust that my God will keep it coming.



Uncle Kevin said she died without distress. It was calm and peaceful, and she was surrounded by family. He said that the family has been pretty distressed, but I guess that's the way death works. The ones left behind are the ones that have to deal with the sadness of something missing.

According to my Uncle, If my Aunt ever even got close to complaining about her cancer cutting her life short, it was because she still felt that she had work to do on earth, mainly concerning her children. But as I looked around the room last night, I saw a family who's roots were strong enough to carry them through the rest of their lives, and that's because she worked so hard to dig into the ground and plant them deep. I know they will miss her every day. I know we all will. But she is still here. Still loving them. Still loving all of us. As that poem says her "diminished size" is in us, in our eyes. She is just as big as she ever was, and now she isn't plagued with a cancerous body that stops her from being the amazingly active person that she is. She gets to live outside now, 24/7. I'm sure she's at the beach today, I'm sure she'll be at the beach every day from now on.

I can't wait to go to the beach with her again some day soon.