Life's Twisty.

I haven't written about this because I don't know what to say.  I feel like I could write six separate papers on my thoughts, and they'd all be completely different.

It cannot be ignored that I know the best people in the world.  In the days after you left, I came home to flowers on my doorstep, got taken to dinner and drinks & had sleepovers.  I've gotten letters and presents in the mail, and been constantly surrounded by love.  Seriously, it's like I'm still in a relationship, I'm just dating like ten people at once...asexually.  I don't know what I did to deserve the kind of friends I have, but I will never stop being grateful.

The thought that brings me the most peace is this:  You were a good thing that I lost.  They are a good thing I will never have to lose... ever.

Which brings me to my next train of thought:  With so many blessings around me, how can I afford to be sad about the one thing I don't have any more?  It's infuriating to me that I can't just shake this.  How frustrating that my mind and my heart can't come to a simple peace agreement and decide: "Yes, it's sad.  We know that.  BUT LOOK AT ALL THESE OTHER HAPPY THINGS." And let me skip along the path of life, content in the knowledge that I am going to be fine.

And I am going to be fine, I know that. I know by now that healing takes time.  There are parts of me that are already there.  There's a part of me that is downright indignant at the idea that someone might not love me and just think I'm God's gift to this green earth.  As a dear friend put it:

Look: I'm a great person and an even greater girlfriend. And if you can't see that.... then you're an idiot.

This little part is full of herself (not unlike the rest of me), and sings a lot of Beyonce (not unlike the rest of me).

But the strange thing about growing up is that we get smarter about the people we choose to date.  I have nothing bad to say about you, and I hope the same is true for every relationship hereafter. 

There is a significant part of me that is still shocked.  It's clear even from this silly little blog.  The last post I wrote was about this incredible Valentine's Day surprise that my loving girlfriend planned for me.  And then suddenly that girl walked out the door.  It's not even like this came from left field... it's like it came from an Arby's parking lot three towns over from the field.  We were such a good thing.  You were right for me.  Maybe not for forever, but for now.  I know you are not the only girl who can make me happy, but I was so happy with you.  And I still can't get the sound of that door out of my mind.

There are parts of me that wonder where your mind is now.  I wish I knew more about this decision and about the logic leading up to it.  I want to rid myself of the notion that you were talked into this.  I need to be sure this is what you wanted.  I know you are smart, I know you are capable and I know you wouldn't have left unless you really thought you needed it.  I know it's probably just a "starved dog's logic about bones," but even in our last talk... your eyes didn't seem to match your words. 

 

I pray that you find peace of mind...

And there is a huge part of me that is just sad.  Just missing someone that was my best friend for a year.  There's a part of me that took several days to stop pulling my phone out of my pocket to call you  and tell you funny kid stories after school.  There's a part of me that's sad when I see groupons for fun things I'd like to do with you.  I hated 8pm on Sunday night because I watch enough Dr. Who to know that there's an alternate universe where you and I were sitting down with some drinks to listen to Andrea Gibson at the Highline Ballroom in New York City.  I'll bet it was an incredible show.  I miss my weekend trips to Baltimore, and the nights I spent dancing with you.  I miss discussing how "oaky" I wanted my eggs.  Today is the first day I've been able to listen to Ellie at all, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry at least a little.  It's spring, and I want to learn to play basketball.  I want to go to your graduation, and to vineyards with your roommates.  When I sit down to pick a favorite part of "us," my mind never stops running.  

That part sucks the most.

That part makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing by not trying to be your friend.  Right now, that thought just makes me sad.  I can't really process the idea of you as my friend, and I know for sure that right now is too soon for something like that.  I'd almost rather you be someone I'd loved and lost than try to create a friendship from the weird leftovers of our relationship.  My friendships are not something I take lightly, as you might remember from the veritable 'ode to friendship' earlier in this post.

But the thing about having great friends is that sometimes they say things like this:

We spend so much time looking for that one relationship, that one person we can "do life" with.  But the thing is... life's not about a relationship.  It's about relationships.  We are meant to "do life" with lots of people. 

The bottom line is that I want to get through this part, I want to get out of this place.  And the only way to do that is to feel it.