Heart, heart.

A lot of really happy thoughtlets floating around in my head right now.

Girl. Feminist. Bitch. Silverstein. Vincent.

Also, there's a new wool peacoat and fabulous Guess pumps in my closet,

because I'm great at Christmas shopping.

Feeling inspired, feeling wired.

Exactly where I need to be, learning what I need to learn.

Fuck the rest.

Northern Lights.

What happens in Lauren Granger's life when Ingrid releases a new single:

I feel what she is feeling.

My life has 2 rules:

1. Be happy.

2. The Keats Rule (ie: When this is not the case, understand that unhappiness only makes room for happiness. You can only ever be as happy as you've been unhappy. Everything increases your capacity to feel. Your happiness gives you more to lose, and your loss creates space for appreciation to breed happiness.)

It's incredible, my mind has been so topsy-turvy lately anyway, a byproduct of the constant disequilibration to which I submit myself. And now this song, it just makes me feel, something I've been actively trying to think, process & rationalize myself out of doing. Life changes so rapidly, and I am trying to embrace every change. Trying to focus on the positive, finding the silver lining. It's not even second nature to me, that IS my nature. And it is exactly how I want to be, it is my favorite thing about me. So it's always so strange when I find myself stuck in the mire of something of which I can't think myself out.

There are things I miss. Things I am actively unhappy about losing.

My Aunt. Love. The cat.

So I have to default to Rule 2. I have to understand that loss makes me better, stronger, more capable. But that doesn't solve the problem of EMOTIONS. And isn't that just the most frustrating feeling in the world? Knowing that you are exactly where you need to be, and still feeling the absence of what you had to lose to get there?

Anyway, listen to this . I transcribed the lyrics because that's what GA's do. There are a few refrains I didn't include, but the gist is there. And the gist is enough. I just... Ugh. I can't wait to see her. I guess that's my point?

Ingrid Michaelson-Ghost

Do you remember when the walls fell?

Do you remember the sound that the door made when you closed it on me?

Do you know that I went down to the ground,
landed on both my broken heart & knees.
I didn't even cry, because pieces of me had already died.

I'm a ghost haunting these halls,

climbing up walls that I never knew were there.

I'm lost, broken down the middle of my heart, heart.

You know you made me a ghost.

I'm an invisible disaster.
I keep trying to walk, but my feet can't find a solid ground.

It's like livin' in a bad dream,

I keep trying to scream but my tongue has finally lost its sound.

I've got to say goodbye, to the pieces of me that have already died.

I'm a ghost haunting these halls,

climbing up walls that I never knew were there.
I'm lost, broken down the middle of my heart, heart.
You know you made me a ghost.

You know you make me a ghost,
you make me a ghost.

You make me a ghost.

I don't cry. I don't try anymore.
I'm lost. I'm broken down the middle of...

broken down the middle of my heart, heart.

I'm a monarch, duh.

The fact that my entire life lies basically unplanned before me is simultaneously the most thrilling and terrifying truth.

Like... How are my friends DOING IT?

I don't know. I think I have been suffering under the misconception that my college years are the best years of my life and that they will come to a skidding halt and leave me alone in the dark and without friends or family to support me. And I am slowly coming to terms with the incredibly comforting idea that the only thing I will lose upon graduation is PROXIMITY. But geography is not destiny, I've known that my whole life. And yeah, I'll have more accounting to do for travel time when my friends are no longer within walking distance, but there is nothing keeping me from being in touch with and accessible to those I love.

Also, family support is a given. It's like the mafia: blood in, blood out.

I've been thinking a lot about DC & its surrounding suburbs, and I'm feeling a renewed sense of interest in settling there for a while. Last night, I was on my way to Annapolis when a series of wrong turns and detours landed me lost on Pennsylvania Avenue for... a significant period of time. It's true, the roads & traffic in NoVa have always been a barrier to me in seeing myself living happily there, but I couldn't help but notice how astonishingly beautiful the monuments looked at night.

Yeah... that was probably an unsafe time to take a picture... BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. My point is that I started thinking about how beauty isn't just college-specific. It's going to follow me my whole life long. I will find fulfilling work, and it will be beautiful. I will find a house that's all my own, and fill it with all things beautiful. I'm going to get a pet, name it something fantastic & love it beautifully. And I'll find a soulmate, someone who'll make my already beautiful life extraordinary. That's something I really look forward to, despite my inaction in its pursuit. I just feel like I want to be the best possible version of me, and I know I have so much left to learn. I believe its so easy to find compatibility and so much harder to find compatibility that also challenges and improves you. Other things on my life partner checklist: A sense of humor. Sexiness. Passion. Good taste in music. Fashion sense (I'm tryna double that wardrobe, you know?). Willingness to learn more about the things that interest me. Having new interests that I can learn more about, too. Fantastic kisser. Entertaining. Supportive. Likes my friends. Likes my family. Has cool friends. Has fun family. Understands both the need for midnight ice cream and morning yoga. Good dancer. Can hold their liquor. Likes dogs. Likes cats. Handles stress well. Good taste in home decor (we JUST talked about filling a house with beautiful things...). & last but definitely not least: I'm looking for someone that thinks that I am as funny as I do. That's when I'll know it's right.

Interested? Inquire within.

(Not a sexual innuendo)

(OKAY, maybe...)

Loving... WHAT!?

Somewhere during the thousand things I did at work yesterday, I heard a song on my pandora playlist with lyrics along the lines of "keep loving everything you've ever loved", and I should have stopped right then and there to gather the title/lyrics/artist/ANYTHING to help me identify this song... but obviously I didn't. And obviously I've spent the better part of my day fruitlessly scouring the internet for some trace of this song, but alas I feel as though it must have been IMAGINARY.

But that hasn't stopped me from pondering the subject: Where does love go?

How often have you looked back at your life and been honestly shocked by the things you once loved? I look back at the people I admired and obsessed over in middle school and I can't help but chuckle heartily. It's sort of a byproduct of the evolving human condition that we are going to look back at the things we once thought of as important and roll our eyes. How quickly our hearts change from some degree of love to some degree of anger/disdain/hurt/hate... And why? What is the purpose? I don't want to fall into the trap of convincing myself that something was a mistake because of a messy ending. In fact, I think this is something I do quite well given the time and distance I need to clear my head.

Loving the things you've always loved doesn't necessarily mean making room for them in every stage of your life. Actively contacting a former flame just to reassure them that YOU STILL LOVE THE PERSON THEY ONCE WERE/THE THINGS YOU LEARNED/YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS IT ONCE EXISTED is cause for concern. Sometimes it's just time to move forward & expired relationships are a casualty of that progress.

But hearts are infinite. There is an ever expanding area in which to file your meaningful experiences. And I am learning that I don't have to stop loving the things that changed me just because they no longer deserve my love. This next part is going to sound cheesy, but it has been said over & over again because it has never stopped being true:

Every experiences teaches you something,
you trade equal parts of love & pain,
laughter & tears,
confusion & elation,

& you get CHARACTER from it.


So rock on, characters. & Know I'll keep on lovin' you.

the happenings

Mm, it's a pretty grand day.

I'm getting used to the routine of this new life, and while it's exhausting, I also know that it won't last long. A little more than a year from now, I'll be graduating again... AND THEN WHAT.

Ahhhh--I suppose I should be spending this time planning for the future, looking into the nuts and bolts of making my dreams happen.... BUT ACTUALLY I THINK I'LL JUST DRINK A LOT OF WINE, & DANCE. Haha, seriously though. I just wanna play forever, so I'm making sure to do it right now.

Sara B released a cute new video today. So, obviously I bought it... and look, I'm not saying Sara copied me, I'm just saying that it's pretty interesting that her new video so quickly follows the purchase of my leather jacket:

But, you know... whatever. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say.

Last weekend: Mistress Visited
This weekend: Jason Mraz
Next month: New York

& somewhere in there, I'm gonna get a master's degree.... I hope.

"In three words,
I can sum up
everything I know
about life:
It goes on."
-Robert Frost

Oh, here we go bluebird.

Word came through in a letter,
one of us changing our minds.
You won't need to guess who
because I usually do
not send letters to me that are mine...

This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye.

This is so hard, the back in forth of feeling fine and then just missing you. Missing that. Missing something that really did mean the world to me for so long. You gave me back something I thought I'd never have again. And I know that everything you said was true, and I probably should have realized that a long time ago. But I guess I can't help being optimistic, always believing that things would change with time. It's just in my nature, and it always will be. I will love totally and completely, I will put everything into the next love, just as I did in this one. Maybe it will run its course. & Maybe I'll find myself somewhere down the road in some different apartment with another glass of wine, reflecting again. But I won't regret it, just as I don't regret this. You respected me enough not to let me do that anymore. I am not angry, I do not blame you. It's just a matter of a love I can't carry anymore. And the realization that I should never have tried to carry it alone.

That said: I'm hurting.
My heart is not quite mine again.
Right now it's a little lost:

in starry nights and camping trips,
in Dave, in Ingrid,
in DC hotel rooms and dance floors,
in the capital building, the white house
at a costume party, in a parasail,
& city hall (or just across the street where it won't fly...)
in shower songs, in little movies
in picnics and presents, kittens and peasants
on a rollercoaster, in a scary movie,
in one tree hill & sports I'll never learn
in that feeling that made my love burn.
in an apple orchard, in laughter,
in not working towards a happily ever after
but a happy here and now.



I'll just find that ever after a little later.
& guess I've just got some livin' to do first.

Unfinished--Like its Author

I am who I am.
My hair friz is a crime,
my gas gauge is on empty
for weeks at a time.

I listen to showtunes,
and watch HGTV.
My jokes are generally funniest
to those under three.

Admittedly, I am a little crazy.
It's normal and natural,
but it can make my judgment hazy.

I can cry myself into laughter
and laugh myself to tears.
These things will not change,
not in all of my years.

It's true: I'm not perfect.
But I must say on my behalf:
there are things I can offer
if you'll just make me laugh.

I am not good at sports,
just watch me run.
But you'll never find me
not appreciating a setting sun.

I'm helpful,
I'm hopeful,
I'm endlessly cheery.
My unfailing optimism
can make an average man weary.

I can't promise perfection,
(I trip a lot).
& I can't help thinking
I'm ridiculously hot.

But I am who I am,
it comes naturally.
So take the time to chase me,
cherish me.
Believe me, I'll do the same.

I'm worth it.
You're worth it.
Every last quirk.
If you can't see that,
this ain't gonna work.