I'm feeling inspired.

I'm inspired by music. dance. theatre. art. photography. fashion. history. literature. the human condition. friendship. love. color. activism. passion. feminism.

If you've been in my room, you know that my wall is plastered with pictures of women. Many people walk in to my room and say: "Wow, you really like girls, don't you?"




And okay... you got me. I do really like girls. However, the women on my wall aren't just ANY women. As you might be able to see in this fuzzy picture provided by my iPod touch, my wall features inspiring women, Lea Michele (Broadway Star and most recently famed actress on the hit TV show Glee), Zooey Deschanel, Amy Adams, Lauren Graham to name a few.

Whenever I partake in the somewhat cliched albeit extremely entertaining "Top 5 Celebrities You Could Fuck Without Consequence" game, my list is full to the brim of women many people wouldn't even recognize, but that's because it is their specific talents or passions that make them positively irresistible to me.

The List:
1. Lea Michele. Duh.
Her voice could convince me to do absolutely anything.


















2. Jeanine Mason: Winner So You Think You Can Dance Season 5.
Her 'If It Kills Me' turned me in to one of those people that cries watching dance on TV.














3. Kristin Chenoweth
If you don't know why, you don't know me at all.























4. Mariska Hargitay
Yes, she's one badass cop...but did you know that she also started the Joyful Heart Foundation?























5. Ingrid Michaelson
She made "nerd chic" sexy. Her voice is consuming. And, most attractive of all, she's one of the most clever people I've ever come across.





















Look through my ipod and you'll see a smorgasbord of showtunes that never fail to get me in the mood to do some cheesy stage choreography and smile, compounded with hundreds of songs by female artists like Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Kate Nash, and Lily Allen that inspire me to think pretty thoughts, something I love to do. And alright, of course there's a ton of Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson and admittedly some Hanson, N*Sync & Backstreet... but that's neither here nor there.

My point is that I make certain some kind of inspiration slaps me in the face as often as possible, I think most intelligent people do. There's a whole market for inspirational posters to put in classrooms, dentist office waiting rooms and community centers, all intended to force a little inspiration in to the daily lives of the general dentist-going population.

So it only makes sense that the people in our lives should be at least as inspiring as the posters on our walls. And I think that is one of the greatest accomplishments of my senior year and even my college career as a whole: I have officially surrounded myself with some of the most fascinating, interesting, talented, passionate and hilarious people I've ever met.

Isn't it interesting to compare your group of friends in your hometown to the ones you made in college? The friends I prided myself on being "TWINS" with in my hometown are nothing like the person I've become, and vice versa. It's true that there are a few who've stuck around. The rare few who have the mindset to accept and celebrate our differences as reasons to learn from each other, and continued to grow in our friendship just as we have continued to grow in ourselves.

And... Here comes the over-sharing that only makes sense in the blogosphere:

My first love was comfortable. Exciting because it was my first love, but we were a practical match from the start. My first love and I had common interests and similar beliefs. My first love crashed and burned, as most first loves do.

Granted... I like to think that most first loves don't end in the torturous way mine did, soaked in deceit, disrespect and a pathetically extended recovery time on my part...but that is, again, neither her nor there.

Which brings me to now, to my present.

Five months ago, I found myself falling again, opening up to someone new. A rather odd, unexpected pairing, I am aware. But it happened and I couldn't stop it, which is how I knew it was right.

And I've been more challenged, inspired and excited in the last 5 months than ever before. We're different people, very different people. But that's the basis of what makes us work. You're athletic, a sports buff. One time you threw me a football and it hit me square in the nose. There's not a Broadway Classic to which I don't know all the words (and probably the names of every OBC cast member) and you've never even walked down 42nd street (though I plan to change that...) Though we're both feminists (I don't know if I could date someone who wasn't...), we have different views on philosophy and theology. And that's okay. That's more than okay. It's TITILLATING.

[Yeah, I was really just looking for a reason to use the word "titillating".]

I'm learning from you all the time. You're challenging me every day. I'm learning to understand you, breaking out of old habits. And you're giving it all back to me in laughter, fun and, most of all, respect.



And yeah, I said that Dillon style & snapped my fingers.

Dancing in heaven

I am standing by the seashore

A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze

and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'

Parable of Immortality
Henry Van Dyke

She is gone. Her days are now filled "dancing in heaven, even as we are crying below", and I rejoice that she is no longer in pain. I know God had his hand in her death just as he had his hand in her life. Patrick said last night that "We all feel so blessed that she lived hours longer than they said she would, that Anna got home in time to see her is such a miracle. But, if you think about it... she lived seven years longer than she should have. That's the real miracle."

I can't believe how blessed I am to have been a part of her family. I marvel in their strength. I was so scared to come home and see my always-joking, forever-laughing family torn up in sadness. Walking in that door, I saw my always-joking, forever-laughing family grieving in complete strength. And they were still laughing.

We sat around her room, passed m&m's and laughed about the time Sam and Pat shot an arrow into someone's house. Oh, how angry Aunt Lori was... and at the time, my mom told her she'd laugh about it one day. I think she's sitting up in heaven, laughing about it today. We talked about how she was with her brother now, and how he's probably giving her a noogie in heaven, because even in the afterlife, that's still her big brother. We laughed as we cried, missing her terribly but knowing peace because she is in heaven with her God.

I'm sort of speechless. Just... no words. I know she needed to go, I know she was ready. Her body was only holding her back. But just because she was ready to go, doesn't mean that I was ready to let her. I miss her so much... I owe so much of myself to her. She taught me to ride a bike, teased me often and took care of me constantly. She and my mom instilled their midwestern sass in my heart. She made me laugh so often, it only makes sense that her absence makes me cry.



I hurt for my grandparents, who have now had to bury two of their children. Dave Matthews is right, you should never have to bury your own babies. And yet, they powered through. Grandma still made sure there were snacks available, Grandpa just sat with his peaceful presence, though I know he's torn to pieces inside. And Clarabell, my Aunt's golden retriever... I have never seen her that way before. She knows, I know she knows. She sat with my aunt for days on end, and when the nurse came to change her fluids, clara went nuts. She barked and snapped-which is so not her-left the house, and didn't come back for the rest of the day. Now that my Aunt is gone, Clara is just depressed. I went upstairs to see her, and she was just laying on the floor in Sam's room. She didn't stir when I walked in. Dogs are so intuitive, she knew this was coming, but she misses her mama just as much as the rest of us.

I'm so thankful for the people who have opened their hearts to us at this time. My roommates and friends at school have been more incredible than I ever could have asked for. They have listened when I needed it and laughed when I needed them too. They have been their for me far and above the call of duty. And Julie, I honestly don't know what I'd have done without her. The patience she's had to stay up with me and just listen to me talk about my aunt, my family as a whole...it means the world to me. I have been shown more love than I know what to do with, and I trust that my God will keep it coming.



Uncle Kevin said she died without distress. It was calm and peaceful, and she was surrounded by family. He said that the family has been pretty distressed, but I guess that's the way death works. The ones left behind are the ones that have to deal with the sadness of something missing.

According to my Uncle, If my Aunt ever even got close to complaining about her cancer cutting her life short, it was because she still felt that she had work to do on earth, mainly concerning her children. But as I looked around the room last night, I saw a family who's roots were strong enough to carry them through the rest of their lives, and that's because she worked so hard to dig into the ground and plant them deep. I know they will miss her every day. I know we all will. But she is still here. Still loving them. Still loving all of us. As that poem says her "diminished size" is in us, in our eyes. She is just as big as she ever was, and now she isn't plagued with a cancerous body that stops her from being the amazingly active person that she is. She gets to live outside now, 24/7. I'm sure she's at the beach today, I'm sure she'll be at the beach every day from now on.

I can't wait to go to the beach with her again some day soon.

I know it's been forever...

but this is just a teaser blog. I just love this too much not to share it.


On a different note...my girlfriend rocks. And drops trout. Teehehe.

the other side of "Someday".

Myyyy goodness.

Life took off running, but I think I tripped at the starting line or something. TYPICAL LAUREN.

Am I really graduating in May? Seriously, am I talking to advisers about the GREs and the Praxis and Grad school applications? You must have the wrong girl. I'm no where near ready to be a real person.

So I guess I'll just have to live it up while it lasts =D

Life's pulling me in about a thousand different directions right now.

I'm becoming more and more aware of how over-committed I am. I always do this to myself, I just get so excited about so many things and I just... I want to do them all. So I do. I just end up having one or two (or three...or four...or five...) breakdowns along the way. I expect my first in about three weeks. Prepare yourselves.

Good thing I'm surrounded by the world's most wonderful people <3

Dear friends, you are my Parachute.



You give me the strength to keep the negativity out of my life. To surround myself with people who truly care about each other. And what's more, you've taught me that I'm not a bad person for doing so, despite what those nasty nay-sayers may say!

Hm, that last line was...incredibly poetic. Just call me Dr. Seuss!

I know it's only been two days, but I sincerely miss your presence in my life. I hate not being able to text you when something ridiculous happens. It feels unnatural to see you on campus and not say hi. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad. I know it wasn't anything I did, it's just one of those things. I understand, and I respect you for doing what you need to do. I just wish it didn't have to happen, is all.

I MISS BABIES! OMG. Why doesn't someone just rent them out? Like seriously. Some baby snuggling right now would be the best possible stress reliever. Thank God for Sundays in the church nursery! Teehehe, that was unintentionally ironic. Or was it?

I'm not sure, I'm sleep deprived and goofy. Probably shouldn't be writing. Today my dance teacher made a joke about lactose-intolerance and I was gone for a good ten minutes. Ah well, I've come this far, no turning back now!

Peace, Love & ZOMG our new Feminist Blog launching MONDAY!

I'm happy.

Inexplicably, undeniably happy.

I'm so blessed to live near the ocean, blessed that my family is happy and healthy, blessed to have the best friends on earth. I never want to lose sight of that again.

a thousand words

Music reminds me that I am not the first person to have had their heart broken (or for that matter: to fall in love, break a heart, get angry, be sad, etc.). Which is a good thing in a morbid, schaudenfreude kind of way... but it's also empowering. These artists had their hearts broken & lived to tell the tale.

& The tale is the important part, right?

So for WEEKS I've been searching for my camera cord so I could upload the steadily growing multitude of pictures of past events. Today, I found it. BUT! Lo and behold, my camera is now MIA. Ohhh me oh my, life can be so puzzling.

My unemployed status has left me with countless financial stressors... however! It's also presented me with the opportunity to do so many of the things on my "when I have the time..." list. Huzzah! A silver lining.

I just finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett, and absolutely adored it.

I was honestly quite sad to finish it, it was like saying goodbye to friends I knew I might never see again. But I'd honestly recommend it to anyone, it's light hearted enough to be a beach read, but it's beautifully written and has a heart to keep the reader from feeling as though she's slipping into a fluffy mush of useless literature.

It is birthday season! My brother, cousin and my friend Nina all have birthdays this week & Ekat's is on Monday. Tina and Leme both had birthdays last week, so I've had lots of fun baking. Tina's birthday involved a trip to a family friend's house where we enjoyed cake and ice cream in a room filled with kids running around and adults laughing and smashing cake in each other's faces. My house is going to be that house.

I've been able to sit on sooo many babies lately. Getting paid to do something I love so much-whether it's in the church nursery, teaching sunday school, babysitting or whatever-feels like a crime. My secret: Thanks for the money, I really need it.. but I'd do this for free <3.

I've also been pet-sitting a lot, which I know is God's little way of telling me to cheer up and walk dogs. It's also an expert-level crash course in poop-scooping. But, now that I think about it... so is babysitting.

Additionally, I've spent many a blissful hour on the beach this week. I'm getting pretty tan, too... so I suppose there are definitely upsides to unemployment. Er, rather just quite sporadic employment.

It's been a blessing to be so busy without really doing anything at all. & On that note, I'm off to the Funny Bone.

Good Evening.

[the people in my life] are the harmony to my heartbeat, baby.

"Hey Mom, can you help me remember this phone number: _ _ _-8580"
"Sure! *chants* _ _ _-8150. _ _ _-8050."
"Mom... you realize you're not even close."
"Really? Whoops! *Continues to chant up the stairs* _ _ _-8080. _ _ _-8015."

I tell ya what, I don't think anyone will ever really understand me 'til they meet my momma.

Ah sweet Maymester/Summertime.

Fave new summer artist: Sally Seltman.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126977987&sc=emaf

I got a scholarship yesterday (which came complete with a giant laundry basket of groceries, school supplies, a neat watch & other fun things like soap!) & came home for the ceremony. Since then I've just been blessed with the fabulous opportunity to hang out with my fambam, of whom I'm so terribly fond.

PLUS! I got to see the fabulous and talented EMILY ARNOLDDD! & I got to see Sara and James too, which was awesome. It's been so long. I can't believe that I'm old enough to have married friends..guh. Anyway, Emweee and I watched a lot of SVU and I forced her into becoming a Next to Normal fan. It's a fever, spreading like wildfire.

& Yeah. You are probably next.

Mommy and I DVR'd Grey's Anatomy last night & we watched it together this morning. MAN I love Callie and Arizona together. And OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS that was an INTENSE episode! And beautifully directed, too. My mom and I talked about the superb nature of Bailey's performance when she found out that the elevators were off? Ya with me? I'm trying not to spoil anything for anyone who may not have seen it yet... but watch it. Cause it's AMAZING.
Then we went to the beach with aunt lori-loo and anna banana, which was a good time. I met some cute puppies & I'm looking forward to going to visit my cousin at her new job & being SUPER OBNOXIOUS. Yippeeskips.

& tonight I went to the club to see Jamie Kennedy with my high school best friend/elphie/other half.

Do you ever look at your life and honestly NOT REMEMBER why you stopped talking to someone? I know it happened, and I know I felt strongly about it at the time, but it seems so silly to me now. Especially someone who meant so much to me, someone who knew me as well as you did, elph. I'm really excited to have you as a friend again, and I guess that's all part of growing up. People come in and out of your life when you least expect it, but always just when you need them.

But hey, if the cast of characters were always the same, the sitcom that is my life would've been cancelled long ago,

[Which brings the "Metaphors Used" tally in this blog up to: 1.]

& it's quote time:

Appropriately:

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss