A-Post-90s-Music-Jam-Sesh-Follow-Up-Thought:

Today my mom openly showed her support for gay marriage on Facebook.

I want so desperately to sit down with my 16 year old self and tell her to stop worrying, because everything is going to be okay.

And I'm willing to bet that there's a 30 year old version of me out there wishing to tell the 23 year old version of me the same damn thing.

I need a drink, ya'll.

Life's Twisty.

I haven't written about this because I don't know what to say.  I feel like I could write six separate papers on my thoughts, and they'd all be completely different.

It cannot be ignored that I know the best people in the world.  In the days after you left, I came home to flowers on my doorstep, got taken to dinner and drinks & had sleepovers.  I've gotten letters and presents in the mail, and been constantly surrounded by love.  Seriously, it's like I'm still in a relationship, I'm just dating like ten people at once...asexually.  I don't know what I did to deserve the kind of friends I have, but I will never stop being grateful.

The thought that brings me the most peace is this:  You were a good thing that I lost.  They are a good thing I will never have to lose... ever.

Which brings me to my next train of thought:  With so many blessings around me, how can I afford to be sad about the one thing I don't have any more?  It's infuriating to me that I can't just shake this.  How frustrating that my mind and my heart can't come to a simple peace agreement and decide: "Yes, it's sad.  We know that.  BUT LOOK AT ALL THESE OTHER HAPPY THINGS." And let me skip along the path of life, content in the knowledge that I am going to be fine.

And I am going to be fine, I know that. I know by now that healing takes time.  There are parts of me that are already there.  There's a part of me that is downright indignant at the idea that someone might not love me and just think I'm God's gift to this green earth.  As a dear friend put it:

Look: I'm a great person and an even greater girlfriend. And if you can't see that.... then you're an idiot.

This little part is full of herself (not unlike the rest of me), and sings a lot of Beyonce (not unlike the rest of me).

But the strange thing about growing up is that we get smarter about the people we choose to date.  I have nothing bad to say about you, and I hope the same is true for every relationship hereafter. 

There is a significant part of me that is still shocked.  It's clear even from this silly little blog.  The last post I wrote was about this incredible Valentine's Day surprise that my loving girlfriend planned for me.  And then suddenly that girl walked out the door.  It's not even like this came from left field... it's like it came from an Arby's parking lot three towns over from the field.  We were such a good thing.  You were right for me.  Maybe not for forever, but for now.  I know you are not the only girl who can make me happy, but I was so happy with you.  And I still can't get the sound of that door out of my mind.

There are parts of me that wonder where your mind is now.  I wish I knew more about this decision and about the logic leading up to it.  I want to rid myself of the notion that you were talked into this.  I need to be sure this is what you wanted.  I know you are smart, I know you are capable and I know you wouldn't have left unless you really thought you needed it.  I know it's probably just a "starved dog's logic about bones," but even in our last talk... your eyes didn't seem to match your words. 

 

I pray that you find peace of mind...

And there is a huge part of me that is just sad.  Just missing someone that was my best friend for a year.  There's a part of me that took several days to stop pulling my phone out of my pocket to call you  and tell you funny kid stories after school.  There's a part of me that's sad when I see groupons for fun things I'd like to do with you.  I hated 8pm on Sunday night because I watch enough Dr. Who to know that there's an alternate universe where you and I were sitting down with some drinks to listen to Andrea Gibson at the Highline Ballroom in New York City.  I'll bet it was an incredible show.  I miss my weekend trips to Baltimore, and the nights I spent dancing with you.  I miss discussing how "oaky" I wanted my eggs.  Today is the first day I've been able to listen to Ellie at all, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry at least a little.  It's spring, and I want to learn to play basketball.  I want to go to your graduation, and to vineyards with your roommates.  When I sit down to pick a favorite part of "us," my mind never stops running.  

That part sucks the most.

That part makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing by not trying to be your friend.  Right now, that thought just makes me sad.  I can't really process the idea of you as my friend, and I know for sure that right now is too soon for something like that.  I'd almost rather you be someone I'd loved and lost than try to create a friendship from the weird leftovers of our relationship.  My friendships are not something I take lightly, as you might remember from the veritable 'ode to friendship' earlier in this post.

But the thing about having great friends is that sometimes they say things like this:

We spend so much time looking for that one relationship, that one person we can "do life" with.  But the thing is... life's not about a relationship.  It's about relationships.  We are meant to "do life" with lots of people. 

The bottom line is that I want to get through this part, I want to get out of this place.  And the only way to do that is to feel it.

Adventures in February

This weekend I came home from work to a note on my bed saying my best friend wanted me to pack up all of my 'teacher work' and meet her 'at [insert random Maryland address].

After battling Friday rush hour traffic, I drove up to what turned out to be an adorable coffee shop in Frederick, Maryland.  Katie, who had been patiently waiting for me, asked what we were doing.  At which point the following classic movie moment ensued:

"What are we doing?"
"What do you mean?  I thought you planned this!"
"Are you serious?  I thought you planned this!  I got a letter from you saying to meet me here!"

At this point, we noticed that the cashier was smirking.  Figuring she knew something we didn't, we approached her.  She asked: "Are you Katie and Lauren?" When we confirmed that we were, she removed a clue from behind the counter.  It contained $10 and told us to:

Coffee with my bff and a romantic surprise from my gf?  I'M DOWN.  We followed directions, thanks to a friendly barista:

And then found a place to leave one of our cars, and started traveling up 70 as instructed by our previous clues.  Along the drive, we get texts with trivia questions--the answers to these questions will give us our destination!  After a few wrong guesses and misguided google searches, we discovered that we were headed to the Blue Knob Ski Resort in Claysburg, PA.  

Aside from a (minor) perilous journey up a mountain during a snowstorm in my 2003 Saturn Ion which got stuck in the snow that resulted in my need to call on my "Knight in Shining Volkswagen"... at which point she ALSO got stuck--We had a FABULOUS weekend.  

The door to our cozy little cond-snow (I think that's what condos in ski towns should be called) had this little sign on it.  Obviously we said YES, entered and were presented with boxes of chocolates, warm pajamas and lots and LOTS of wine.

It was a fantastic weekend, and I didn't even fall off my snow tube...

I thought I had her beat this Valentine's Day.  I sent her flowers, planned a romantic dinner and got tickets to see Andrea Gibson in March.  Turns out she's the romantic in this relationship.  Still, I'm taking her to poetry:

"Just in case it is, let me also say that I want you

sleepy-eyed in the morning waking at my side

like a warm summer sky born from

so much softness the horizon cries every time

night fall comes to take you

let me also say that I want to make you [gluten-free] sandwiches and soup

and peanut butter cookies, though

the truth is peanut butter is really bad for you

cause they grow peanuts in old cotton fields

to get the toxins out of the soil

but hey, you like peanut butter and I like you"

Happy Valentine's Day!

The weather outside is...

...delightful, actually.

You know how life always works out according to our careful planning?

Two weeks ago, I was dodging questions about my future, vague answers and quick subject changes my saving grace.  And then...SUDDENLY SEYMOUR, I had a plan.

Outdated musical references aside, in one single week...

1. I bought a suit.
2. I took the VCLA.
3. I spent some much needed time with my friends in the 'burg.
   
4. I presented my graduate research.
5. I went to a Julia Nunes Living Room Concert in Philadelphia.
   
6. I had a job interview.
7. I house hunted.
8. I got a job.
9. I signed a lease.
10. I graduated.
    
11. I wished a very dear friend a very happy birthday with a very good wine.
12. I met the children that will be my very first students as a real teacher.
13. I took the RVE.
14. I had my wisdom toof pulled.

"Isn't it funny how you only understand a place before you leave?  And suddenly everything looks so shiny..." - How About You

Next week I celebrate Christmas with my married brother for the first time ever.  I intend to throw my whole heart and soul into our celebrations this year, I have a week to celebrate Christmas, that is my number one priority.
However, somewhere in that week, I also need to babysit, house-sit, move to the other side of the state, get a background check and become an official school employee, and celebrate NYE in NYC with the most wonderful girl in the world.  I have a feeling that, by next Christmas, life will be radically different... for one thing, I'll be a big girl with a paycheck.

Life in your twenties is just a constant transition. I am a thousand things right now, but most of all I am blessed.

Old friends, new places.

I left school on Friday with the intention of 

leaving work at work for the first time in nearly a month.

Mission accomplished.

So OKAY YES.  We're growing up.  Doing big things and moving to 

NEW AND EXCITING PLACES.

This is Ekat's apartment in Alexandria.  Pretty Shnazzy.

This is the harbor in Old Town, Alexandria (also pictured in the first picture...

redundant?  You know, I don't think so...)

It felt SO GOOD to let go, man.  I am becoming aware of how easy it is to become a workaholic.  My life consists of mostly seven-year olds.  THERE ARE NO COMPLAINTS.  However, working all the time makes play time OH-SO-SWEET.  Also... sometimes I still feel like an eight year old at a sleepover.  BUT IT'S COOL 'cause now I'm allowed to drink.

Things about which I am thinking:
-Every time I am in DC, I feel a magnetic pull.  It's an amazing city... It's ALIVE.

-Every time I'm in Nova, I get stressed and weird feelings.

-I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WANT TO LIVE.

In summation:  I still think this video is hilarious.

Crayola doesn't make a color for this.

TEACHING, you see, is like this:

Sometimes it's giant hugs and I-was-WONDERING-where-you-weres from students when you were in the workroom when they came in and they thought you weren't coming today.

Sometimes it's realizing one of those precious darlings didn't take his medicine and has consequently failed to bring anything at all with him to school.

I love what I do, and I love that I get to do it for the rest of my life.  And yet, with each passing day I am realizing the insane amount of work that goes into this job.  I am constantly hanging things up, cutting things out, shoving 23 copies of this math worksheet, calling this parent, touching base about this literacy lesson and whether Tommy's dad's deployment will have any effect on his math scores and my turkey sandwich into a 20 minute lunch break.  

I am developing eyes in the back of my head.  It's true, we do have them.

I am developing the ability to answer 9 questions at the same time, and hug 11 kids in ten seconds to make sure every kid gets hugged at least once today.  I always wondered how teachers could remember  each kid's bus number and which of them can't eat the skittles the substitute passed out because of his orthodontic appliances.  

All of a sudden it makes sense.

Love allows us to do the impossible.  I love teaching, and I love each of my nineteen students.  I find myself chasing a kid down the hallway because it has become genuinely important to me to ensure that  he saw the new student's MarioKart backpack, because I know he loves Mario.  (And, of course, he has already seen it... :P)

And on the reverse side, I have begun to take it personally when students don't connect with a lesson.  I know how capable they are.  I haven't begun to scratch the surface of their potential, but I do know that they can get this.  I do know that, if they can get their fingers out of their noses and their legs out from under their neighbors desks and their eyes from of the ceiling, I know that if I can just get their attention, they can learn.  I LOVE that feeling.  I love the curriculum-related chatter that happens in the hallway after a lesson that set their minds ablaze.  I love their insane and wonderful little minds.  I love their catch-phrases.  I love hearing "Let's DO this thing" when I've explained the rules to the number grid game and set them loose with their partners.

And if nothing else, this is for certain:

Someone will ALWAYS fart at carpet time.

Outside of school, my life is quiet.  It's so different from the constantly social, constantly exciting environment I left behind at JMU.  And I miss it.  I miss the easy access to friends, I miss the meal plans and I miss life after 10pm.

So of course I turn to my true north Katie H. for advice and guidance about continuing to grow in an environment that feels so comfortable to me--living in my hometown with my parents.

Naturally, she suggested that I turn my focus inward.  I have set goals for myself, starting with paying attention to the bad habits I've allowed myself to develop over the past five years.

1. Be Light-Hearted.  "It's easy to be heavy, hard to be light."

2. Don't assume people know you're joking.

3. Distance myself from my politics-- I can't engage in any kind of constructive conversation when something feels so absolutely personal to me.  Getting a little distance allows me to hear other people and even make my points more digestible.

4. Don't leave things on your to-do list.  Just... get things done.  

5.  Ask.

6. Let things happen.

7. Stop buying things that don't fit correctly.  Stop buying things you don't love.  Go back to basics, and accessorize with trends.

That first point, that's something my girlfriend does effortlessly.  I am studying under her tutelage, and yes that word does always make me giggle. 

Ah, skypelove.

I've been reading a lot about Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) lately, and I tell ya what-- it ain't for the faint o' heart.  But this girl, our Baltimore mornings and OBX sunsets, her freckles, her laugh and our fingernails when they're painted the same color--it's worth it.

In other news--

Hooray Hampton roads!  You attempted public transit!  I am elated.  Except... this train has like... two and a half stops.  BUT WHATEVER.  Baby steps, right?  Make this sucker connect to the oceanfront and you've improved my life ten-fold.

WHY is it so hard/complicated/time-consuming/expensive to take one of these from here to Baltimore?  I just wanna be able to read/write/doodle pictures of flowers like a 12-year-old while someone else drives me around, ya hear?

I'm happy here.  I'm growing here.  I'm ready to be planted, ready to thrive.

But for now, this:

I know it's September, but...

Responsible adulthood has an addictive zeal, one I never expected to find.