“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”

Last night, I cried to her about missing the fictional characters in the book I just finished. She is still dating me today. Oh man, folks...

Hello world!

Life is speeding on around me, but I am feeling competent for the first time in a long time... and, since I'm months away from being a first-year teacher, I'm probably feeling competent for the last time in a long time, HA. So, what I'm saying is that I need to enjoy this while it lasts.

My nail polish is called "Eternal Optimist."

My nail polish and I have that in common.

Here's a List of Exciting Things:

1. Tomorrow I'm turning my kindergarten classroom into PRODUCERS and DIRECTORS. Baby Spielbergs. They're gonna love it... maybe?
2. My favorite professor is currently waiting to hear from a grant proposal that may grant me funding as a GA for the summer. WHICH WOULD SAVE ME from a summer of restocking value priced merchandise at your friendly, neighborhood CVS.
3. I have not one but TWO professors working with me towards publication, which means my resume will be colorful. Because I'm printing it on pink paper. Oh man I'm funny. Hahaha, but seriously if these articles come to fruition, I'll be in better shape on my job search.
4. One of these articles is going to be the basis of my inquiry project in the fall. Which means I'll have SUPPORT. Thank little baby Jesus.
5. I'm going to a conference this weekend at George Mason to present about the internship blog I worked with as an undergrad. My best friend is going to a conference in Vegas. Today we realized that we are pretty big deals, ya know?
   After the conference, I'm gonna see some girl. You know, just whomever shows up...
6. My brother's wedding is just around the corner. I've ordered my bridesmaids dress and it's pretty damned fabulous. In fact, I have three weekends of weddings in a row this summer. Love is in the air.
7. SOME DAY I'm going to make a documentary about dramatic play in my classroom. My vision? Shakespeare.

Lists are fun, right? Alright, alright. I know that's a nerdy list. But like... if the shoe fits:

“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”

― John Green

Someone in Harrisonburg needs to take up the ukulele... and then make me better. That is all.

All we can do...

Something I've learned along the way: Stop taking things so seriously.

Things always end up working themselves out, and the amount of worry/panic that you put into it has little to no bearing on this fact.

This is me NOT SERIOUSLY considering the

bagel on my desk.

What's happening now is bizarre in the best kind of way. I don't know where it came from, but that happens so often in life that I've decided to stop questioning it. I'm not in a hurry. I know where I am, who I am, what I want and now I know better than to settle for anything less. I am enjoying this feeling, I am enjoying the experience, and I am mandating that I not let irrational thoughts of self-doubt interfere. Why should I? If it doesn't work, then it was something that made me happy for at least a little bit and there is something better coming. That said, it's probably one of the scariest things that has happened to me in a long time. But if it isn't scary, it isn't worth it. If I'm not pushing myself, pushing my boundaries and breaking my patterns, than I am not growing. I'm stagnant. And that's how you get malaria, folks.

...that's a mosquito joke. Niche humor.

Something else I've learned: When I like someone, I'm going to know about it.

I don't ever have to guess. So, the next time I find myself wondering "Could I like this person?" or "Why don't I like this person?," I'm going to stop. If I have to ask, I don't. And that's okay. Ohh, that's a subcategory of this heading:

Something else I've learned:

a) Never feel guilty about your feelings.

There are a multitude of things in life about which you are going to feel guilty. You are responsible for your behavior 24/7 and for each of the one million choices we make every day. Sometimes you are going to make the wrong choice. It's going to happen. And you are going to feel guilty. Your feelings are not in your control. They are what they are. Be honest about them, but never degrade or begrudge a feeling that you do or do not have.

This week in kindergarten, we are studying presidents. Things I've learned from 5 year olds: Justin Bieber is of legal voting age; Dr. Seuss' birthday is today. I'm not sure that either of those facts are entirely relevant.

One more thing I've learned: Slow down.

It's more than just a 'The Academy Is...' song. People never rarely regret taking the time to think things through. My personality sometimes makes me prone to impulsivity. I race past my own starting line before ever taking the time to consider if I actually want to run the race. The best things in life are worth waiting for... and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself squashing possibilities, rushing past them without pause for consideration. Ask all the questions in your mind. Don't be afraid to realize incongruencies and negatives. They don't necessarily discount the value of the situation, but being aware of them will aid you in preparing for them.

& Finally:

Dear Universe,

Thank you for everything. Especially Jupiter and Venus. Don't make life easy, but please make it grand.

Love always,

Me.

Naturally Good

I have never been one of those people who was "naturally good" at anything.

Okay, that's not true. I'm really good at stopping the gas gauge right on an even number, alphabetizing spice racks and laughing at fart jokes. But hey, everyone has their talents.

And in this world, some people are just.. naturally talented. We all know them, those people who can pick up anything and be an expert at everything from chess to water polo. I'm not sure why my examples of leisurely activities are based in 19th century England, but it is what it is.

Exhibit A:
I started learning to play the ukulele about a month ago. For the first two weeks, I tirelessly scoured the internet for tutorials and chord charts. I was consumed with learning to hold it, learning to strum and painstakingly memorizing chords. After about 2 weeks, I knew maybe 5 chords and one or two rudimentary songs. But hey, I was proud! That was more than I'd known two weeks before!

Well, one morning, my older brother Cameron was over at the house. He noticed Luella (my uke) sitting in the living room and asked if he could play it. Excited that he noticed, I acquiesced. He picks up the instrument and music just POURED out of it. I was shocked. It was like he was fucking Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Now, I know what you're thinking: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? Well, you see... Cameron is 0ne of those. Oh yes, Cameron is naturally good at everything.

Our mom disagrees. She says we all have our unique talents. But somehow Cameron's natural propensity towards music, sports, etc. has always seemed far more marketable than my rather impressive ability to pull out the correct amount of aluminum foil to cover a baking sheet.

Have faith! My central idea is not that there are two kinds of people in this world: The talented & the untalented. That would be a bleak fact to have to accept, no? Talent, my friends, is only half the battle.

AND THE NAME OF THE OTHER HALF!? DETERMINATION.

Ahahah, if only you could hear the moviefone voice in my head in which that statement is written. That big font should help.

Anyway, here's a video of me playing the ukulele. Because I was determined to achieve a mediocre, off-tempo version of an Ingrid Michaelson song with a too-long intro. AND, BY GEORGE, I'VE DONE IT.

Maybe some day I'll learn to sing and play simultaneously. Baby steps.

"It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it!"

Jan 2012. Never felt sassier. That is likely related to the 3 seasons of 30 Rock I've watched in the past month. NEVERTHELESS, this has been a really great time to get my head on straight. Also, a great time to learn to play the ukulele. WHO KNEW!?

Let's seeeeee... HIGHLIGHTS:

Eleanor and Dorothea enjoyed a lovely tea in the most ghetto neighborhood. Seriously. Thugs literally PACED outside the window while we debated between green salad and scones to a classical soundtrack.

Still, it was undeniably delicious. Acting 80 has never felt so cool.

Roommates and friends are in the brainstorming stages of our HP World trip. My life probably ranks among the top ten lives ever lived.

I spent a few weekends in DC. Still in love, still planning, still looking for amazing roommates. I signed up for this website that sends me a list of apartments for rent daily. Now, logging into my gmail makes me simultaneously giddy and terrified. I'm giddified. See what I did there?

Anam Cara Reunion 2011

GOD I can't believe this is my last ever real semester of school. This time next year, I'll be labeled "unemployed person with two degrees," which is a WAY LESS ADMIRABLE synonym for "broke" than "graduate student." Oh well, at least I have a burgeoning career in street performance with my mediocre ukulele skills.

Annddd mid-thought segue: I am thinking about international nannying to fill in the awkward period between graduation and employment. Does anyone have advice on this? Or know someone who's done it?

Bon soir, mes amis!

Heart, heart.

A lot of really happy thoughtlets floating around in my head right now.

Girl. Feminist. Bitch. Silverstein. Vincent.

Also, there's a new wool peacoat and fabulous Guess pumps in my closet,

because I'm great at Christmas shopping.

Feeling inspired, feeling wired.

Exactly where I need to be, learning what I need to learn.

Fuck the rest.

Northern Lights.

What happens in Lauren Granger's life when Ingrid releases a new single:

I feel what she is feeling.

My life has 2 rules:

1. Be happy.

2. The Keats Rule (ie: When this is not the case, understand that unhappiness only makes room for happiness. You can only ever be as happy as you've been unhappy. Everything increases your capacity to feel. Your happiness gives you more to lose, and your loss creates space for appreciation to breed happiness.)

It's incredible, my mind has been so topsy-turvy lately anyway, a byproduct of the constant disequilibration to which I submit myself. And now this song, it just makes me feel, something I've been actively trying to think, process & rationalize myself out of doing. Life changes so rapidly, and I am trying to embrace every change. Trying to focus on the positive, finding the silver lining. It's not even second nature to me, that IS my nature. And it is exactly how I want to be, it is my favorite thing about me. So it's always so strange when I find myself stuck in the mire of something of which I can't think myself out.

There are things I miss. Things I am actively unhappy about losing.

My Aunt. Love. The cat.

So I have to default to Rule 2. I have to understand that loss makes me better, stronger, more capable. But that doesn't solve the problem of EMOTIONS. And isn't that just the most frustrating feeling in the world? Knowing that you are exactly where you need to be, and still feeling the absence of what you had to lose to get there?

Anyway, listen to this . I transcribed the lyrics because that's what GA's do. There are a few refrains I didn't include, but the gist is there. And the gist is enough. I just... Ugh. I can't wait to see her. I guess that's my point?

Ingrid Michaelson-Ghost

Do you remember when the walls fell?

Do you remember the sound that the door made when you closed it on me?

Do you know that I went down to the ground,
landed on both my broken heart & knees.
I didn't even cry, because pieces of me had already died.

I'm a ghost haunting these halls,

climbing up walls that I never knew were there.

I'm lost, broken down the middle of my heart, heart.

You know you made me a ghost.

I'm an invisible disaster.
I keep trying to walk, but my feet can't find a solid ground.

It's like livin' in a bad dream,

I keep trying to scream but my tongue has finally lost its sound.

I've got to say goodbye, to the pieces of me that have already died.

I'm a ghost haunting these halls,

climbing up walls that I never knew were there.
I'm lost, broken down the middle of my heart, heart.
You know you made me a ghost.

You know you make me a ghost,
you make me a ghost.

You make me a ghost.

I don't cry. I don't try anymore.
I'm lost. I'm broken down the middle of...

broken down the middle of my heart, heart.

I'm a monarch, duh.

The fact that my entire life lies basically unplanned before me is simultaneously the most thrilling and terrifying truth.

Like... How are my friends DOING IT?

I don't know. I think I have been suffering under the misconception that my college years are the best years of my life and that they will come to a skidding halt and leave me alone in the dark and without friends or family to support me. And I am slowly coming to terms with the incredibly comforting idea that the only thing I will lose upon graduation is PROXIMITY. But geography is not destiny, I've known that my whole life. And yeah, I'll have more accounting to do for travel time when my friends are no longer within walking distance, but there is nothing keeping me from being in touch with and accessible to those I love.

Also, family support is a given. It's like the mafia: blood in, blood out.

I've been thinking a lot about DC & its surrounding suburbs, and I'm feeling a renewed sense of interest in settling there for a while. Last night, I was on my way to Annapolis when a series of wrong turns and detours landed me lost on Pennsylvania Avenue for... a significant period of time. It's true, the roads & traffic in NoVa have always been a barrier to me in seeing myself living happily there, but I couldn't help but notice how astonishingly beautiful the monuments looked at night.

Yeah... that was probably an unsafe time to take a picture... BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. My point is that I started thinking about how beauty isn't just college-specific. It's going to follow me my whole life long. I will find fulfilling work, and it will be beautiful. I will find a house that's all my own, and fill it with all things beautiful. I'm going to get a pet, name it something fantastic & love it beautifully. And I'll find a soulmate, someone who'll make my already beautiful life extraordinary. That's something I really look forward to, despite my inaction in its pursuit. I just feel like I want to be the best possible version of me, and I know I have so much left to learn. I believe its so easy to find compatibility and so much harder to find compatibility that also challenges and improves you. Other things on my life partner checklist: A sense of humor. Sexiness. Passion. Good taste in music. Fashion sense (I'm tryna double that wardrobe, you know?). Willingness to learn more about the things that interest me. Having new interests that I can learn more about, too. Fantastic kisser. Entertaining. Supportive. Likes my friends. Likes my family. Has cool friends. Has fun family. Understands both the need for midnight ice cream and morning yoga. Good dancer. Can hold their liquor. Likes dogs. Likes cats. Handles stress well. Good taste in home decor (we JUST talked about filling a house with beautiful things...). & last but definitely not least: I'm looking for someone that thinks that I am as funny as I do. That's when I'll know it's right.

Interested? Inquire within.

(Not a sexual innuendo)

(OKAY, maybe...)