Loving... WHAT!?

Somewhere during the thousand things I did at work yesterday, I heard a song on my pandora playlist with lyrics along the lines of "keep loving everything you've ever loved", and I should have stopped right then and there to gather the title/lyrics/artist/ANYTHING to help me identify this song... but obviously I didn't. And obviously I've spent the better part of my day fruitlessly scouring the internet for some trace of this song, but alas I feel as though it must have been IMAGINARY.

But that hasn't stopped me from pondering the subject: Where does love go?

How often have you looked back at your life and been honestly shocked by the things you once loved? I look back at the people I admired and obsessed over in middle school and I can't help but chuckle heartily. It's sort of a byproduct of the evolving human condition that we are going to look back at the things we once thought of as important and roll our eyes. How quickly our hearts change from some degree of love to some degree of anger/disdain/hurt/hate... And why? What is the purpose? I don't want to fall into the trap of convincing myself that something was a mistake because of a messy ending. In fact, I think this is something I do quite well given the time and distance I need to clear my head.

Loving the things you've always loved doesn't necessarily mean making room for them in every stage of your life. Actively contacting a former flame just to reassure them that YOU STILL LOVE THE PERSON THEY ONCE WERE/THE THINGS YOU LEARNED/YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS IT ONCE EXISTED is cause for concern. Sometimes it's just time to move forward & expired relationships are a casualty of that progress.

But hearts are infinite. There is an ever expanding area in which to file your meaningful experiences. And I am learning that I don't have to stop loving the things that changed me just because they no longer deserve my love. This next part is going to sound cheesy, but it has been said over & over again because it has never stopped being true:

Every experiences teaches you something,
you trade equal parts of love & pain,
laughter & tears,
confusion & elation,

& you get CHARACTER from it.


So rock on, characters. & Know I'll keep on lovin' you.

the happenings

Mm, it's a pretty grand day.

I'm getting used to the routine of this new life, and while it's exhausting, I also know that it won't last long. A little more than a year from now, I'll be graduating again... AND THEN WHAT.

Ahhhh--I suppose I should be spending this time planning for the future, looking into the nuts and bolts of making my dreams happen.... BUT ACTUALLY I THINK I'LL JUST DRINK A LOT OF WINE, & DANCE. Haha, seriously though. I just wanna play forever, so I'm making sure to do it right now.

Sara B released a cute new video today. So, obviously I bought it... and look, I'm not saying Sara copied me, I'm just saying that it's pretty interesting that her new video so quickly follows the purchase of my leather jacket:

But, you know... whatever. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as they say.

Last weekend: Mistress Visited
This weekend: Jason Mraz
Next month: New York

& somewhere in there, I'm gonna get a master's degree.... I hope.

"In three words,
I can sum up
everything I know
about life:
It goes on."
-Robert Frost

Oh, here we go bluebird.

Word came through in a letter,
one of us changing our minds.
You won't need to guess who
because I usually do
not send letters to me that are mine...

This pair of wing's worn and rusted
From too many years by my side
They can carry me, swear to be sturdy and strong
But see, turning them on still means goodbye.

This is so hard, the back in forth of feeling fine and then just missing you. Missing that. Missing something that really did mean the world to me for so long. You gave me back something I thought I'd never have again. And I know that everything you said was true, and I probably should have realized that a long time ago. But I guess I can't help being optimistic, always believing that things would change with time. It's just in my nature, and it always will be. I will love totally and completely, I will put everything into the next love, just as I did in this one. Maybe it will run its course. & Maybe I'll find myself somewhere down the road in some different apartment with another glass of wine, reflecting again. But I won't regret it, just as I don't regret this. You respected me enough not to let me do that anymore. I am not angry, I do not blame you. It's just a matter of a love I can't carry anymore. And the realization that I should never have tried to carry it alone.

That said: I'm hurting.
My heart is not quite mine again.
Right now it's a little lost:

in starry nights and camping trips,
in Dave, in Ingrid,
in DC hotel rooms and dance floors,
in the capital building, the white house
at a costume party, in a parasail,
& city hall (or just across the street where it won't fly...)
in shower songs, in little movies
in picnics and presents, kittens and peasants
on a rollercoaster, in a scary movie,
in one tree hill & sports I'll never learn
in that feeling that made my love burn.
in an apple orchard, in laughter,
in not working towards a happily ever after
but a happy here and now.



I'll just find that ever after a little later.
& guess I've just got some livin' to do first.

Unfinished--Like its Author

I am who I am.
My hair friz is a crime,
my gas gauge is on empty
for weeks at a time.

I listen to showtunes,
and watch HGTV.
My jokes are generally funniest
to those under three.

Admittedly, I am a little crazy.
It's normal and natural,
but it can make my judgment hazy.

I can cry myself into laughter
and laugh myself to tears.
These things will not change,
not in all of my years.

It's true: I'm not perfect.
But I must say on my behalf:
there are things I can offer
if you'll just make me laugh.

I am not good at sports,
just watch me run.
But you'll never find me
not appreciating a setting sun.

I'm helpful,
I'm hopeful,
I'm endlessly cheery.
My unfailing optimism
can make an average man weary.

I can't promise perfection,
(I trip a lot).
& I can't help thinking
I'm ridiculously hot.

But I am who I am,
it comes naturally.
So take the time to chase me,
cherish me.
Believe me, I'll do the same.

I'm worth it.
You're worth it.
Every last quirk.
If you can't see that,
this ain't gonna work.

It's the little things...

& everything returns.

As quickly as things fall apart, they come right back together in new, better (& stronger) ways.

This is my favorite time of year, the sweet piece of summer right before school starts. I love being back in the Valley, I love that all the people I haven't seen all summer are just a short walk/drive/bike/skip away.

I think maybe part of the reason I love this period SO MUCH is because it is so fleeting. In a flash, we'll be sitting back in the classroom, studying our nights away. But right now, right this moment, everything is just perfect.

My heart is very happy.

& that's at least partially because my kitten is so cute.

It has been a pretty awful day. My head hurts and I am tired. I'm confused. I don't get it. I miss something that's not yet gone, but somehow I can't hold on to it anymore. I am scared to be a grown-up. I am scared.

I wish things didn't have to change.

But I guess, if we never changed, we would never learn.

Happy Birthday to Me

This girl

has given me

the happiest birthday

and the prettiest ring

I have ever had.

Goodnight, Moon.